i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
