My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
