Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
