Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
