There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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