i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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