I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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