can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just googled if crying burns calories
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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