My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i think my cat just said my name.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
