I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
