i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
