I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
