Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
