Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
