My liver just broke up with me...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
