oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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