Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
