DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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