but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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