you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
