My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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