I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
