Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
