Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
