If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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