I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
