dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
