i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
