I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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