My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
