Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Four minutes until I can fart!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
