so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
