I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
