make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
