the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
