I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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