we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
