I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Randomize
