I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
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There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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