this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Randomize
