Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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