a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
