The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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