Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
