I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dating After Heartbreak
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.