yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
