youre lurking in front of me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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