I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
