everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he just fucked me for my cheese..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
