It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
