Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
