one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
