Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
