When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
