Banned from zoo.
Again?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
