Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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