Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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