there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
