just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
